DEAR ABBY:
My mother-in-law is a lovely retired teacher. She lives an active lifestyle, volunteering at her local Boys and Girls Club and following up with her friends. The problem is that her mobility and memory are declining, and she and her family deny it.
She still drives and has recently been in several collisions. She also admitted to getting lost on the way home from the store and having to call her brother to find her. A fall left him with a broken wrist. She finds it funny and is not at all worried. She doesn’t disclose anything about her health care, so we can’t speak to her doctor. My husband refuses to talk with his mother about his plans to move or get extra help around the house, and my brother-in-law doesn’t intervene. They both ordered me to step back. We live a few days’ drive away, so if something happens it will be difficult to get to her quickly. Why am I the only one worried and what can I do? — WRITE ON THE WALL
DEAR WRITING:
Even if your husband and his family refuse to acknowledge that your MIL may need help and intervention, that doesn’t mean she isn’t a danger to the community when behind the wheel. Consider contacting their community police department to express your concerns. Local police may file a dangerous driver report with your state’s DMV, which may require your MIL to take a driving fitness test. Depending on the results, the DMV may impose driving restrictions or revoke his license entirely.
Plus, it sounds like your MIL isn’t the only one having trouble accepting her diminished state. Continue to talk to your husband and encourage him to take action before a crisis occurs. The decline you describe (falls, loss, hang-ups) could be a warning sign of dementia or other cognitive decline, which could become worse.
Even though you’re taking difficult steps that will likely put you at odds with your husband and his family, encourage your MIL to stay active doing the things she loves, but in a way that will keep her and those around her safe.
The Alzheimer’s Association’s Dementia and Driving webpage offers tips and strategies for discussing driving concerns with a family member, and its expert helpline at 800-272-3900 is available 24/7 to discuss this and various other topics you may be facing. a family with your MIL.
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