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Dear care and feeding,
I always knew my MIL had pretty severe anxiety, but my husband (who I knew/lived with for seven years before we had kids) never showed signs of anxiety , even slight, until we got twins three years ago. Since then, everything that concerns them has been anxiety-provoking for him. Literally every decision my husband has to make regarding the kids, even something as small as changing clothes because they’re wet, is out of my hands for input. This also means that if something doesn’t work out as planned, for example, can she eat this food cut into this size? while they were adjusting to the foods I say yes and she chokes a little which I know is good but it freaks my husband out it’s my fault since I’m the one I finally approved it. It’s exhausting.
I’ve tried talking to my husband about his anxiety and the effect it has on us. He says all parents are nervous about making the right decisions for their children. I tried to explain to him that he doesn’t feel the same nervousness that all parents do, that he has a mega accelerated version of it, and that life shouldn’t be as stressful as it is for him (and for all of us). He erases it. I suggested we go see a therapist together and see what coping techniques he could suggest and maybe explore medication, he said no. He doesn’t see that there is a problem. I can’t leave.
If I do, he will absolutely want (and get) 50/50 custody and will still be just as anxious, but with no one to counteract our children’s anxiety.
His mother also plays on the anxiety and builds it up (one of them just had a cough, are their COVID, flu and whooping cough vaccines up to date?! Have they been exposed to RSV?! ) and I’m convinced she would end up there almost all the time. he had the kids and makes it even worse if we split up because he usually asks her to come over now if both kids are with him without me. I also talked to him about this and how I think she amplifies his anxiety and he said I just don’t like her and don’t want her there (that’s not true, I just want SOMEONE who isn’t impatient to also be there to try and help balance out the panic she has). brought). At first, I wanted things to improve for my husband, which would lead to improvement for all of us. Now that he’s been so resistant to the idea of there being a problem or a solution for three years, I just want to know what I can do to get my kids and I through this without completely condemning them to a future filled with anxiety. Help?
I don’t want them to be afraid
Dear I don’t want to,
I’m not qualified to diagnose your husband, and I don’t really need to, because the only thing that matters is how his behavior is negatively impacting your life. There’s a lot at stake here, because if this continues, your husband’s problems will almost certainly be transferred to your children in one way or another, and you don’t want that.
I know you’ve already tried to convince your husband to get a mental health evaluation and therapy, but I think it’s worth trying again, and this time, sit him down and demand it categorically. You can say something like: I’m at my breaking point in this marriage and I’ve taken it upon myself to schedule a joint therapy visit for us. To be clear, I’m not suggesting you come with me, I tell you that I need you to come with me and actively participate in this. If you decide not to do this, it will give me a clear sign that you are not taking this situation or this marriage seriously, and I will have to start thinking about what I need to do on my own to take care of myself and of our children. If that doesn’t get to him, nothing will.
You will have a decision to make in case your husband ignores your requests. Can you let go and live like this for the foreseeable future? If so, keep the status quo. If this is an issue for you (and it certainly would be for me) then you should seriously consider seeing a family law attorney to try to move on with your life without him and based on your letter he seems like you’re already kind of in that headspace. . Wouldn’t it make sense to provide a level of peace and happiness to your children at least half the time by being away from him instead of zero percent of the time by remaining married?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to divorce you, I’m advocating doing whatever you need to do in order to protect the peace for you and your children. I hope your husband comes and gets the help he clearly needs once he sees how seriously you are considering leaving him, but I want you to be prepared to take action if he doesn’t.
Doyin
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