And now an important message about National Park Services Fat Bear Week, which began Wednesday and ends October 10, from a concerned bear:
Hello humans, my name is Titus and I am the official spokesperson for a national coalition of bears who have dedicated themselves to what we consider a healthier, more active lifestyle.
While we love and appreciate our Alaskan brothers and sisters involved in this year’s Fat Bear Week in Katmai National Park, and while we applaud their rotundity, we wonder again why all the focus is on the bears’ toughness.
There are a growing number of people avoiding pre-hibernation binges and instead opting for moderation and exercise. But where is our representation? Why are we ignored while our stalwart friends are celebrated?
Fat Bear Week is great, but there should be a Fit Bear Week too
In the spirit of bear justice, we call for the creation of Fit Bear Week, an engaging online competition involving bears, from grizzly bears to black bears, polar bears and weight-lifting pandas.
That emergency alert:Why didn’t that emergency alert turn everyone into zombies? REALLY disappointing.
For too long, fit bears have been forced to live in the shadows, hiding our workout gear deep in our dens and hosting secret body sculpting classes in the winter months when the famous fat bears are hibernating.
No more. We recently named Roarnold Schwarzenbear, a California grizzly bear, as president of the fledgling organization Bears Intent on Getting Rrrrripped, or BiGrrrr.
Look, we understand why so much attention is paid to all the cute bears participating in Fat Bear Week, said Schwarzenbear. And we have nothing but love for them and all their plump glory. Put that juice in your wagon, bears! But we also love ourselves and our commitment to a different kind of bear body. And we think fit bears were seen as valuable to the National Park Service. Because without a platform, we will remain invisible.
We are bears, we work out and we are not going to hide it anymore
The president of BiGrrrr spoke these brave words after a recent 10K race in Montana, attended by dozens of bears who bravely came out of the woods to show off their rock-hard glutes and muscular forearms.
Look at us, Schwarzenbear growled, beaming. There’s nothing wrong with these bears I see stretching their hamstrings in front of me. We roll logs. We take our daily steps. We watched our salmon intake. Heck, Don here got into keto a few years ago and now that cute bear has a damn six-pack! And you know what? There’s no shame in that, Don. You’re beautiful just the way you are and should be admired as much as those burly Alaskan guys that all the humans keep praising online.
We here at BiGrrrr don’t want to distract from Fat Bear Week. We believe that all bears are beautiful. Everyone was asking for a chance to show humans what WE have to offer. Chiseled pectorals. Low BMI. The willpower to resist eating a hunter who tripped over a cypress tree trunk while we were chasing him.
Is that a skinny bear or a human?Forget Trump’s accusations. We should be worried about China’s human-bear hybrids.
Celebrating fat bears and fit bears is the only path to true bear equity
Fit bears want and deserve their moment in the sun, and in the interest of bear justice and equity, the nation needs Fit Bear Week.
Best of all, it can be done during the winter months when the fat bears are sleeping. (Since we try to stay lean year-round, we wake up regularly to make protein smoothies.)
Anyway, humans, I have to get to CrossFit. Be rrrrripped or die trying!
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppkeon X, formerly of Twitter,@RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
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